Skunks and Raccoons

For some reason seeing a skunk and a raccoon eating the cat food on the back patio doesn't make me jump with fright like it might have ten years ago. 

Hope the poor things get enough to eat!

When You're 50 something, some days are just hard - for no particular reason.

I've noticed that since I've been in my 50's, I wake up some days and just don't feel quite "right." I'm out of sorts, or melancholy, or nostalgic, or just missing my kids because I know they are having a hard time.

I was checking out one of my favorite websites today, http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/ and she had posted a short birthday post for her daughter that exactly expresses how I felt today. It's not one of my childrens' birthday, but the feeling behind what she wrote is mine.

She’s turning eleven soon. Eleven years and a few days ago, I was heavily pregnant for the second time in my then-thirty year history. I was likely lying on the couch, grunting as I tried to roll over to my other side and asking whoever was within earshot to bring me a Dr. Pepper on ice.


I swear, I should have named this child Dr. Pepper. Pepper for short. That drink got me through the last two months of my second pregnancy like nothing else could.


It’s strange. As her eleventh birthday approaches, I’ve noticed that I’m just not struck with that heart-tugging, bittersweet feeling that usually comes every time one of my other children turn a year older. I’m excited for her, of course, but I’m just not welling up with tears and wanting to cry because she’s growing up—the way I do whenever the other kids hit a birthday.

And I know why.


It’s because I know she’ll never leave me. I’ll never have to face the reality of her growing older, because I know she’ll be mine forever. Her growing a year older doesn’t mean the same thing that it means with my other three, who will one day go on about their lives—whether that means college or work or becoming teachers or Navy Seals or Broadway stars. No, unlike the other children, I know my younger girl—my little petunia—will stay with me forever.

She has to.


I wouldn’t be able to breathe without her.

Now, lest you think this intensity of a mother-daughter relationship is unhealthy, do not worry! When she turns eighteen, I will have absolutely no problem allowing her to spread her wings and fly. If she wants to go to college, I’ll be 100% behind her.

No, really. I’ll literally be behind her, following her with my suitcase, dragging my favorite pillow and comforter behind me and carrying my boom box. Waving and hollering, “Wait for Mama, sweetie! I’ll be right there! Save me the top bunk!”


If she ever leaves…I’m going with her.


And that’s why I’m not worried about her birthday.

Being 50 means I can't be with my children all the time - it's not supposed to be that way. But I can miss them and want them to happy and comforted when they are having hard days, too.

Take Time to Attend the Little Things

Friday I was out at the quilt shop and was ready for a nice, hot pastrami sandwich. Holiday makes one that's pretty tasty and I'm embarrassed to report that I've ordered several now so they know exactly how I like it! Extra pastrami and light on the mayo. Oh, and it has to be hot. Yum .

Well, on the way over to the store (right next door) I noticed a beautiful, large monarch butterfly flitting around the grass. It didn't seem startled when I walked by and I stopped to watch it for a minute. It really was beautiful. There was a small puddle of clean water on the sidewalk by the edge of the grass from the sprinklers that morning.  The butterfly landed ever so lightly on the water and sipped quickly. Then it (I do not know if it was a male or female!) took a quick spin around again and landed for another quick drink. The sun was just catching its wings. It did this three or four more times before flying right around me and away. I might have imagined that it was acknowledging me!

I was reminded of our trip to Turtle Bay with Lilly and Cal to see the butterflies. Evidently, I had forgotten my grade school lesson on the life of a butterfly because the nature guide mentioned that  butterflies only live about two weeks. Two weeks. That's not very long.

So, what's the lesson here. I thought about how that beautiful butterfly took time out to do important things like get a drink of water. Would it make a difference in how long it lived? I don't know. But I do know that it's paramount to my well being that I strive to take time to do the important things - even the little things. At 55, those have changed somewhat from what I thought was important 20 years ago. I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

What are the important things? For me at this point in my life they include using my talents for service, gospel learning, staying close to family and friends and taking care of Mike. It's not money (although I do admit, a bit more of the greenies would be nice!), and it's not a career. I love teaching at the college and I enjoy my gig at the quilt shop. I enjoy this phase of my life because I've learned to be selective about how I spend my time and energy. It's a very nice feeling.

I was sad as that little butterfly flew away. I started to wonder where it was  in its two week life span. We are all somewhere in our own life span and whether I'm here for another week, month or years, I hope I can attend to the things that truly make a difference.

I'm going to get a drink of water and then send out a few note cards to some good friends. A little thing, but important.

Sometimes We Just Have to Let Go

My little three year old granddaughter, Lilly started pre-school Tuesday morning. Ten minutes after her mom dropped her off, I received a phone call. I expected the call and knew that my daughter would have a hard time seeing little Lilly head into the class like a big girl. She told me she lost it when she saw Lilly put her blankie in her cubby.

It seems to me that we spend our lives having to let things go. We start off by having to let go of the seemingly insignificant things like binkies and blankies. As we get older we have to let go of everything from crushes to hairstyles. Some things are harder to let go of than others.

As I have thought about my own experiences with letting things (or people) go I became very melancholy (another symptom of getting older!). When I was younger I was quite selfish in not wanting to let things go. I thought I was entitled or justified why I deserved to hold on to something or someone.
By holding on, it was easier to justify grudges or self-pity. I have realized that it's often in our best interest emotionally to simply let go.

I know that letting go isn't always easy whether it's tangible things or people we love.  Sometimes, we all hang on to certain feelings, opinions or perspectives so we can give ourselves "permission" to remain in a quagmire. It's easier. It's what we know.

I came to realize I want to  make it a personal challenge to "let go" of habits and thoughts and attitudes that can debilitate my senses, limit my opportunities for growth and prevent me from seeing others in their best light.

This takes courage and self-reflection. Letting go of grudges, resentment or even sorrow requires us to have a change of heart. Embracing a positive outlook, despite how others think and feel, requires faith and diligence. I find that now, in my 50's I don't have time for negative thoughts because that limits my energy. I read a great book several months ago called My Stroke of Insight. It's about a neurologist who has a stroke and because she studies the brain, she knew exactly what was happening, but had not control over it. The stroke affected her scientific side, so she was introduced to a whole new experience of the touchy, feeling side of her brain!  Fascinating read. She came to an interesting realization recuperating in the hospital as she was struggling to understand her new compassionate, emotional self. She realized that she wanted to be responsible for the energy she gave others - and she wanted it to be only positive, uplifting and encouraging.  I thought about that for a long time.

It's in the letting go that my heart has expanded and I have felt joy and peace - I've been refined a bit more. I've been blessed with learning precept upon precept.  I know that every day I can try and "let go" of something that is preventing me from being my best self and giving that best self to others.

PS:  I do NOT  have to let go of chocolate chip cookies.

Refining Moment #1

I decided last week that way too much "life stuff" was happening that requires my mental, emotional and spiritual capacities to be in full gear. I realized that there must be something about entering the second half of life that makes these experiences settle into a place in my heart that may not have been accessible the first half of my life. Now, there are times when I feel my heart is about to burst - and it's not strong enough to support the love, hurt, worry and joy that it needs to contain. As I've gotten older and entered into these "golden" years of my life things have taken on a new meaning. The thing that makes being in my 50's somewhat uncomfortable is the sheer reality that I will be spending less time on the planet than I have put in to this point. It's a strange and surreal feeling. I often feel I can't keep up. Time is going by too fast and I have way too many things I want to do, say and feel.


When I was young, my oh-so-wise-but didn't-know-it -at-the-time, mother used to tell me, "Don't wish your life away, girl."  It wasn't that I wished my life would go away, but there certainly were times I wished to be older, away from the day-to-day drama of living in the 60's with a divorced mom who had turned to alcohol to solve all her problems.

With that said, I have no regrets about my youth. People often ask me how I turned out so optimistic, outgoing and joyful about life. Well that's for another post, and that story certainly qualifies as a boatload of refining moments!

In the meantime, I will focus on sharing moments that refine me in some way.
The definition of refine is: to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities.  That's really all I want to do the 2nd half of my life is to understand life in it's simplest context, to give meaning and definition to everything I do. I want to be able to speak my truth. I want my children to understand the power that comes from seeking the truth for themselves without fear.

So, this blog is about those moments that teach me something. Moments that give me joy, moments that force me to come to terms with who I am, moments that make me laugh and moments that provide clarity and perspective to an otherwise confusing world.



So here goes.